Trying to find a way through post-affair

^{Trigger Warning: Mentions of depression and suicidal thoughts}

My therapist suggested that I try writing things down instead of letting them sit in my head. So this is me trying. A while ago I was engaged to a really special person in a long-term relationship. At a point things got rough between us because of distance, arguments and the usual stuff you think you can fix later. Then I met someone else. She was easy to talk to. She made me feel seen, like she believed in me. It started with harmless chats then it crossed a line. I knew it was wrong but I told myself I could handle it. I thought I had it under control but it continued and my fiancee found out.

When everything came out, I lost both of them. My relationship ended, and the woman I was chatting with took it really hard. She told me she’s been struggling mentally. Lately, she’s been saying things that worry me like about not wanting to live, about feeling like her life doesn’t make sense anymore. I'm shaken up and I don't know what to do about it.

I feel like I broke something in her and in me too. I want to help her to check she’s okay but I also know that I might be the last person who can. Part of me wants to reach out but I’m scared it would just bring more pain. I’ve been checking in quietly through someone we both know, just to make sure she’s not completely alone.

There’s a part of me that still cares deeply about her, even though I know caring doesn’t help. I keep going over the same questions in my head. Why did I let it get that far? Why didn’t I stop sooner? Was I just trying to fill something missing in me? I don’t even know what that something is.

Some nights I lie awake thinking about how everything spiraled. I keep seeing moments I wish I could take back. Things I said and wished for. I think she took it seriously and I wasn't sure. She knew I was engaged but maybe she thought we could make it work. I’ve never felt this kind of guilt before. It’s heavy, like it’s sitting on my chest all the time.

I’m not writing this to defend myself. There’s no excuse. I just think sometimes people make mistakes that change things forever, and then they have to live with the mess. That’s where I am now. Trying to live with it, and learn from it somehow.

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