I'm unsure of what happened to me

 ^{(Trigger warning: sexual abuse)}

For a while now I’ve had these... memories, or maybe not full memories, more like feelings or flashes. I think something might have happened to me when I was younger. I can’t remember it clearly, but it feels real in my body like this constant tightness or fear that comes out of nowhere. Especially around men.

I’m 26, born in Canada. My parents came here years ago from a South Asian country. We’re a good family, loving in our own way, but we don’t talk about things like this. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to bring something like this up. It feels like it would just shake up everything.

For most of my life, I thought I was just being “careful” or “reserved” around men. But it’s more than that. When someone gets too close, I freeze up. When friends talk about marriage, I feel this panic inside me. I want to be able to imagine that kind of love, but I can’t. It feels unsafe.

Part of me keeps saying, maybe nothing happened. Another part says, but what if it did? I go back and forth. And then I feel guilty for even thinking it, like I’m accusing someone or making trouble. It’s exhausting.

A few weeks ago, I finally told my aunt. She’s always been the kind of person I felt safe with — gentle, not judgmental. I was terrified. I told her I don’t remember much, but that I’ve been feeling this way for a long time.

She listened. She didn’t interrupt. Then she said something like, “I don’t know what happened, and I can’t say I remember anything like that, but I believe you when you say it feels real. These things do happen.”

And for the first time in my life, I felt like I could breathe. She didn’t make it about shame or family or disbelief. 

She told me to write about it like journaling, even if it’s just fragments. So that’s what I’m doing. I'm not ready to say what I remember on a public page, but I know it involved a male relative touching me inappropriately.

I ended up sending this here, to Trauma Gym. I thought maybe someone else out there is feeling confused and scared like I was.

Some questions still keep spinning in my head:

• What if I’m right about what happened?

• What if I’m not?

• Will I ever feel safe with a man?

• Can I heal even if I never remember everything?

• And is it okay to just take it one small step at a time? 

I don’t have answers yet. I don’t know for sure what happened. But I do know that talking to someone helped. And that being believed, even just a little, made a huge difference. 

(Shared anonymously)